Declare
Independence From Fear
By
Thom Rutledge
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage and
confidence by every experience in which you really stop to
look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you
cannot do.”
The
belief that we can think and act in such a way that fear will
be banished from our lives is a dangerous fairy tale, a fiction
that contaminates personal responsibility and leads to reckless
reactivity or paralysis. As long as we cling to the need to
send exile our fears, as long as the goal is to be fear-free,
as long we believe that there is such a thing as complete
reassurance, we are in trouble.
This may sound negative, even fatalistic, certainly not a
spiritual perspective. Not so. Consider that fear is nothing
more than a natural, even healthy, aspect of our human condition.
When the bear is at the front door, fear wisely and instantly
advises that we go out the back door. This is true whether
the bear is a bear or whether it is a toxic relationship at
home or work. Fear in its most natural form is our ally. It
warns us of danger and even suggests remedies for avoiding
the danger, if we will just slow down long enough to ask.
And focusing on fear does not necessarily beget more fear.
Sure, that can happen when we fail to heed Franklin Roosevelt's
famous pearl of wisdom, that fear of fear is the real problem.
The challenge is in consciously approaching our fear with
an understanding that it is a part of who we are, not some
demon to be exorcised. Fear does not have power over us; it
does not take our power away. We give it away. It is like
an inner-codependent relationship: the harder we try to get
the other fellow (in this case, fear) to change, instead of
focusing attention on how we choose to respond, the deeper
we dig ourselves in. Quite simply, the answer lies in the
serenity prayer, which I believe contains the most useful
wise words ever uttered:
God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to
know the difference.
omeone
once diagnosed mankind's problem as “the reverse
application of the serenity prayer,” meaning that too
often we invest most of our energy in trying to change all
that is outside of our sphere of influence and ignore some
of the simple, but quite powerful, things we could do to positively
contribute to our own ripple effect in the world.
If there is a trick to changing how we relate to fear, it
is in recognizing that we are not our fears, but rather we
are in relationship with them. When we can imagine our fears
speaking to us, instead of “being us,” a whole new
world of response options opens up.
Life cannot be lived without experiencing fear. Fear is not
an obstacle standing between you and the life you want to
live; it is an integral part of that life. Fear is to be faced,
not avoided. Attempting to side step fear is like skipping
class: you can do it if that's your choice, but you will
not be making it to the next grade level.
Stop ducking your fears. Make a list of them instead. Add
to the list as you become aware of more fears. There is no
shame in having fear. It is as much a human characteristic
as having skin or breathing air. Don't waste your time
debating whether or not your fear “should” exist,
or whether or not “it makes sense.” These are just
stall tactics and will only contribute to the paralysis.
Fear is a teacher, not the enemy. Go back to your list of
fears from time to time, select a fear on the list and ask
yourself, “What can I learn from this fear? And let yourself
become curious about how you might be different after you
have learned that lesson.
Expect the next fear to follow with another lesson. Don't
fool yourself into thinking you can bar the door. Fear is
already on this side of the door with you. Put an end to your
internal bigotry against fear. Accept your fears as a natural
part of the community of thoughts you call “I.”
Let fear bring you into closer alignment with what you value
most. Don't let fear strip you of, or make you violate
what you believe in.
Greet your fears rather than hide from them. Interview them
rather than ignoring them. Converse with your fears, listen
to your fears, and challenge your fears. Don't automatically
accept what they say. Disagree with your fears, and don't
always let them have the last word.
Declare your independence from fear. Understand that independence
does not mean the absence of fear. It means that you become
capable of living in peace with your fears. When you no longer
have the need to hide from or ignore your fears, you will
be living a life that is instructed, but not controlled, by
fear.
Always remember that it is how we live, not that we live that
matters most.
Thom
Rutledge is the author of Embracing Fear & Finding
the Courage to Live Your Life (HarperSanFrancisco).
For more information call (615) 327-3423, e-mail thomrutledge@earthlink.net
Teacher
