Abusive
Relationships and
The
Art of Letting Go
By
Ayn Turner
Okay, so you've given up
on trying to find a man within your
age group, race and religion, and
you've settled for someone who
may not even satisfy one of these
criteria. So what do I say? Don't
Call That Man! A Guide to Letting
Go. Written by author Rhonda
Findling, who is a psychotherapist
in private practice, the book resulted
from her “Don't Call That
Man” Support group.
It analyzes your personal life,
including parental roles, and how
those roles affected your personal
development and behavior. It serves
as a guide to emotions, and Findling
provides a series of questions/issues
to help you to unravel both yourself
and the relationship in a rational
way. Through these writing exercises,
the book becomes a vehicle to analyze
the relationship. Issues fall into
perspective, and it's easier to
see things as they really are.
The
book deals with issues about how abandonment
and rejection in adulthood can wound
us. She talks about how this pain
can make a woman become so fixated
on a man who rejects her that she
can lose her health, job or children,
in her preoccupation with the process
and her obsession with having this
man.
Okay,
so we know we are not supposed to
call, or in my case accept the calls,
but what do we do? The author says
to give yourself permission to experience
the tension and your feelings. Your
feelings are temporary, and it's
important to feel them, and not to
act on them. She points out that it's
important to keep in mind the anguish
and pain you may go through if he
rejects you, or you don't get
the anticipated response. She talks
about the four stages of loss: Denial,
Anger, Depression and Despair. She
talks about ways to facilitate this
mourning process: To relieve anger,
try physical exercise. Express your
feelings through creativity: painting,
drawing, journaling or dancing. Verbalize
your feelings to trusted friends,
or better yet a good therapist. Try
writing a letter of good-bye to your
relationship, but don't send it.
It's not about your ex being able
to see his many searing flaws, but
more about you being able to get through
this process and move on with your
own life. It's important to have
supportive friends in place so that
when the urge to call the man happens,
you can instead call a friend and
talk through your feelings.
The
book brings up issues like inadequate
fathering. Many girls grow up without
fathering in their households, or
with fathers who are self-absorbed
and emotionally unavailable, which
is a form of emotional abandonment.
Boundaries