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How
to Give Feedback When You Are Angry
By
Reshmi M. Siddique, Ph.D. and Mahmood I. Siddique, D.O.
 Anger
is an emotion that everyone identifies with. Very few people know,
however, how to manage this feeling in an assertive way. Even
fewer are aware that anger serves an important spiritual purpose.
Psychological surveys have indicated that 90% of the population
mismanage anger by aggressive (20%) or suppressive (70%) behavior.
Should you be concerned about these statistics? Our review of
the medical literature suggests that a person with high anger
has a risk of heart attack that is three times more than someone
who has low anger. It is interesting to note that the mortality
rate for women due to heart disease over the last decade is greater
than men. Further, anger is an independent risk factor for
this disease.
Traditionally “anger” and “man” are associated
together. If you are a woman, we hope we have convinced you that
if you don't know what to do with your anger, you too are
at great risk of heart disease. You don't have to get a heart
attack by shouting or yelling. You could also get it by suppressing
anger. An unattended simmering kettle is just as bad as an unattended
boiling pot.
 If
you are a person who suppresses anger, you may have a greater
likelihood of getting depression than someone who expresses anger
assertively. Women experience depression at roughly twice the
rate of men. Whether it is to maintain intimate relationships
or fearing the consequences of overt anger expression, studies
have indicated that anger suppression is related to depression
and even cancer.
As you can see, mismanagement of anger can have a deadly impact
on your health. So if you are angry with someone or some event,
how do you give feedback? Given below are steps you can take:
1. Understand the spiritual significance of your anger.
Think of your anger as a doorway to some virtue that you need
to learn. It could be that you need to learn personal responsibility,
a greater sense of self-esteem, compassion or creativity. Anger
is a barometer that can help you assess where you need to do spiritual
work on yourself. Instead of blaming the other person or event,
ask the question, “What is my anger teaching me about myself?”
In effect, you are engaging in an internal feedback process.
If for example, you are angry because you have been abused in
a relationship, the message of your anger could be that you need
to stop being a victim. Instead of blaming the other person, you
should be asking yourself what you learned from the relationship.
Or, suppose you are passed over for a promotion. Instead of blaming
your boss, a more responsible approach is to think about how you
can be a better worker to achieve a promotion. Your anger could
also mean that you are too attached to your job. If you have found
the spiritual meaning of your anger, you may not need any communication
with another person. Sometimes, however, you may need to give
assertive feedback.
2. Give assertive feedback. Here are some steps that you
can take to express your anger:
• Don't give feedback in the heat of the moment. Cool
down first.
• Before starting the conversation, have eye contact with
the person and smile.
• Listen to what the other person has to say by repeating
or playing back what he or she has said.
• Praise the other person. Why? It will soften any criticism
you are going to give.
• Start the conversation with “I” rather than “You”
statements.
• Communicate your needs. Statements such as, “What
are your thoughts?” or “Here is my request.”
• Close the conversation with a positive note, such as, “It
was good talking with you. I have a better understanding of the
situation.”
Sometimes of course, this kind of communication will not work.
You may have to take physical action such as leaving a relationship
or a job, for example.
3. Forgive. If a person has left your life so that you
cannot express your feelings, what do you do then? In this case,
give energetic feedback through forgiveness. It is important that
you learn to forgive that person, but not forget the spiritual
lesson that was behind the experience. Until you forgive, either
of two things will happen: anger might materialize as disease,
or angry events will occur in the future in order that you
learn the lesson of forgiveness.
Embrace your anger and learn from it. Instead of pushing it aside
or expressing it aggressively, know that it is a guide to help
you on your evolutionary growth to wholeness.
Reshmi
Siddique and Mahmood I. Siddique are authors of the book, How
to Turn Anger into Love: A Spiritual Guide. For more information
call toll free 1.800.247.6553
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