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Reflections
on Mothers
By
Gregg Krech
“Mother, you never bothered to tell me you loved me. You never
loved me for myself. You just wanted me to fulfill your own unfulfilled
dreams. You weren't there for me when I needed you. You only paid
attention to me when I got good grades in school.”
These comments are characteristic of those of us who have searched the
depths of our souls to get in touch with our anger at our mothers, encouraged
by an army of talk-show hosts, authors, recovery programs, and therapists,
all helping us to take an honest look at our childhoods and then take
aim at our moms. Of course, we'll take time out on Mother's
Day to send a card, make a phone call, or offer a small gift to the
woman who, among other things, brought us into the world. But this small
detail, and many others, are lost or forgotten amidst an array of people
and programs who see mom as just another casualty on the road to self-realization
and self-esteem.
Of course, mothers aren't perfect. They make mistakes. They make
foolish choices. They act selfishly and lose their temper. Some of them
abandon and abuse their children. But before we abandon them, it might
be wise to review the record.
My first serious attempt to do that came in 1989 when I spent two weeks
at a Naikan center near Kuwana, Japan, reflecting on my entire life.
For more than a day I did nothing but reflect on my relationship with
my mother, year by year. What had she given me during my childhood?
Memories came slowly at first, and were somewhat vague. But from time
to time a vivid image would surface of her making me a bologna and cheese
sandwich for my lunch box, or washing my muddy Little League baseball
uniform, or sitting down and playing the piano with me. Some of my reflections
on my mom involved calculations: How many times did she change my dirty
diapers? How many meals did she cook for me? How many loads of laundry
did she wash? These images and vignettes aren't full of drama like
those often found in therapists' offices or on talk shows. Folding
laundry can be pretty tedious when you're doing it, and perhaps
even more tedious when you're simply thinking about somebody else
doing it. Much of what is required of mothers is not exciting: laundry,
dishes, diapers, sitting on a playground bench and watching your son
climb up and down monkey bars. It is precisely because of the undramatic
nature of these services that they are overlooked, forgotten, or taken
for granted. They don't get discussed in therapy. They aren't
a common subject of self-help books. They don't appear as a central
theme in the TV sitcom. But when we reflect on our lives and our relationship
to our moms, it's essential to remember these acts of service for
one very important reason: they happened.
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Day article continued next page, click
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Mother's
Day 