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You're
More Powerful Than You Think
By
Marilyn Graman
It's often everyday things like taking out the garbage that
become challenging in a  relationship,
isn't it? That's because they point out the larger problems.
Why do we get so upset about something
Many of us don't feel powerful in a relationship. We spend
time feeling angry and resentful, either toward our men or toward
ourselves. We ask ourselves how we could have let it come to this,
and we look for someone to blame. If we blame him, we end up fighting
with him all the time. If we blame ourselves, we end up harming
ourselves with criticism and feeling hopeless – maybe even
becoming depressed. Either way, we wind up unhappy, dissatisfied,
and wondering what we could do.
But here comes the good news: It's not true that we are powerless.
In fact, women are the ones with the power to have our relationships
be the way we want them to be. If our relationships are not already
that way, it's partly because we may be accustomed to handing
the power to men – no matter how independent we feel. Sometimes
we only see ourselves as victims. We are attached to our men and
don't want them to leave, so it seems like they have the power.
Indeed, some of us were trained to think men are the powerful
ones – even if we grew up during or after the women's
movement. We might believe we are equal to men, yet there is still
a pull to expect them to lead a relationship. We get in the habit
of allowing his moods, needs, and desires to drive the relationship.
And we end up resenting it.
A lot of us are angry at men and angry in our relationships. Sometimes
we even enjoy feeling angry, because anger feels powerful. But
being angry is not being powerful. Anger is a defense mechanism,
a reaction against a person or situation that makes us feel powerless.
When we're angry, we lose our ability to see what's really
happening, and we lose touch with our natural insight. That leaves
us only able to react, rather than to have a considered response.
And when we only have that option, we're powerless.
Anger is a disguise for other feelings we are having – disappointment,
rejection, hurt, and frustration that our needs aren't being
met. Because anger covers up the feelings we really need to be
addressing, it leaves us powerless to change anything.
If things aren't the way you want them to be right now, it
may be partly because you have become distanced from the natural
female qualities that empower you to have a good relationship.
It is only natural to shut down the softer parts of yourself when
you don't feel safe enough, loved enough, appreciated enough,
respected enough, or cherished enough. Closing off your heart
and getting defensive are ways of protecting yourself. When you
are closed off, though, it can backfire because it becomes increasingly
difficult to communicate effectively, listen fully, find ways
to arrive at a solution, treat yourself and your man with tenderness,
and let yourself be vulnerable instead of defensive. In short,
when you close off your heart, it gets harder and harder to access
the very qualities that have a relationship work well. Problems
begin to escalate, and a damaging cycle begins.
When you forget not only that you are powerful but how powerful
you are, it's easy to get gripped about things and feel trapped.
In all likelihood you start to feel like he is the problem. You
get focused on what he says and what he does, forgetting that
you are also saying and doing things that contribute to the atmosphere
of the relationship. In fact, what you say, do, and even think
affects your relationship profoundly.
He
Follows Your Lead
 You
may have been oblivious to your power, but the man in your life
has been only too aware of it. In fact, there is a chance that
he's intimidated by the power you have with him. He may not
show it, and he may go to great lengths to prove how macho he
is and how much he doesn't need you. Don't believe it.
His macho behavior is a cover for the fact that he knows that
he loves you, wants you, and needs you - and he can't stand
how vulnerable that makes him feel. He is dying for your approval,
your praise, and your acknowledgment.
When he feels attacked, he will retreat – as he should. It's
a sign that he is taking care of himself. When he's busy defending
himself, he won't feel inclined to give you what you want.
When you are enjoying yourself, your man will be enjoying himself,
too. And he will want to give you whatever you ask for. This doesn't
mean you are playing a game. It simply means you're tapping
into the natural power you possess to have your relationship and
your life be as smooth and delightful as you want it to be.
Excerpted
from the book, How to Be Cherished by Marilyn Graman and
Maureen Walsh. Reprinted in full or in part with permission.
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Couples
