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Parenting
in the Present
By
Dr. Steve Whiteman
What
is your earliest memory of running into your
parents' expectations?
I
vividly remember toddling over to the closed
front door, reaching up, and turning the large
brass deadbolt -- click. My mother, returning
from the mail box only to discover the locked
front door and that she did not have her key,
went ballistic. Of course, she expected me to
unlock the door, but with all her yelling I
was too scared to turn the deadbolt for another
five minutes. So I grew up with the expectations
of my mother, her boyfriend, and my siblings.
As I got older, I discovered school and peers,
girlfriends, college, marriage, the military
draft, work, and my own children all had expectations
of me.
As
an average adult with your own children, I imagine
you can appreciate how much momentum is created
every single day by expectations. When do we
eat? Is the laundry done? Who's teething
and who needs to borrow the car? As a single
mom once told me, “Every day is pretty
much just coping. A really good day for me is
when I cope successfully; anything more than
that just makes me nervous.”
So
like this single mom, we make do - trying as
best as we can to meet the expectations of those
around us while living a life that is not (exactly)
the one we would have chosen. But expectations
take us out of the present and have us interact
with others based on who we want them to be
rather than on who they are.
When
I ask parents what they would subtract or add
to their lives if they could, the answer is
almost always the same: less stress and more
acceptance. Some time to not be a parent or
spouse or employee. Some time off to be who
they really are.
Would
it surprise you to know that when children are
allowed to express in their own way what they
would like more of in their life, it's the
same thing? More time when they don't have
to be who everyone else wants them to be. Even
at five years old, most kids understand that
they are expected to perform for mom, dad, grandparents,
siblings, preschool, or kindergarten. They're
in the same boat you're in.
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