The Source of Love

by Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D.

It’s totally human to long for love. Often this longing first appears as a tremendous desire to connect with a particular romantic partner. If this longing is fulfilled you may be content for a time and look no further. If you are frustrated in your efforts, you may be more motivated to investigate the source of this longing. Either way, you will eventually come face to face with this mystery. What is this longing for love? Why is it so powerful? Where does it come from? And how can it be satisfied?

Spiritual wisdom tells us that you can only long for that which you already are. It appears that the love is in someone else, but this is only an illusion. The love that you feel is inside, it can’t be felt any other way. If you didn’t already know love intimately, you would not long for it. You wouldn’t even suspect its existence.

Most of us have forgotten that we are pure love and so we seek love outside ourselves. This longing is very useful because it activates your quest for love. Ultimately this search leads you to the realization that you feel love when you are being loving, not when you are being loved by another.

Exercise: This simple but powerful exercise came to me through Adyashanti. Try it and see what happens! The next time you feel that yearning for love, feel backwards into it. Feel it going in, even as it’s going out. Feel back, trace it back to its root and see if you don’t already possess what you seek. Take it as a question. Is it true that love is absent? Welcome the longing for love as an opportunity to do this practice until you find the love inside.

Control
Much of the conflict in love relationships arises from one person attempting to control another. While individual differences are inevitable, differences don’t have to mean conflict. We often see differences as threats that may prevent continued access to our perceived source of love. We counter this danger by taking action to control the other. We may do it indirectly through manipulation, sulking, or threatening to withdraw our own love and support. We may do it directly by issuing orders, ultimatums, or polite requests which are really demands. Or we may keep ourselves separate and alone in an effort to avoid the whole issue.

A simple request, if it can be declined without adverse reaction, may not carry the intent to control. But a request may also be a demand, cloaked in the costume of choice. One man I knew was so wary of being controlled that he would routinely decline requests just to see what the reaction would be to his refusal to comply. If his “no” was not met with gracious acceptance, he immediately prepared for battle. If the battle was not won instantaneously, he bolted from the relationship.

Many people have an automatic unconscious resistance to demands. If you’re intent upon getting love from your partner, he will probably experience this as a demand. Without even being conscious of it, he may resist giving you what you want. Or he may give it grudgingly, resentful that he couldn’t give it freely because of your insistence.

When two people attempt to control one another, a power struggle ensues which very effectively prevents them from coming together and staying together in a loving way. Fortunately, this struggle is completely unnecessary. The love resides in your own heart. It is freely available to you at all times and does not depend upon controlling your partner.

Scarcity vs. Abundance
When you believe that there is not enough love to go around and that you will not get the love you need, your body reacts with fear or anxiety as it would if you were in danger. If a little love should happen to flow your way, you cling to it and defend your claim with ferocious zeal.

When you cultivate a sense of abundant love, drinking in the comfort and security of knowing you are held to the bosom of the Divine Mother, your body feels more expansive and open. You have a sense of being at home where ever you find yourself so you become more outgoing and friendly.
When we look at the behaviors and attitudes that stem from a belief in the scarcity of love, we see this is a very destructive belief. Depression, anxiety, jealousy, envy, addiction, greed, and selfishness can all be seen to have their roots in the experience of not having enough love. Luckily, this mistaken perception can be easily changed by finding the endless supply of love in your very own heart.

Dr. Deborah Anapol is the author of The Seven Natural Laws of Love. For workshop or telephone coaching information email taj@lovewithoutlimits.com. See our ad, page 4