DO YOU HAVE A
FAULTY PARTNER PICKER?

by Patty Binns Farinola

Have you ever wondered why you are single and still looking for love? Or why your relationships did not last? You may be looking at your relationship track record and thinking, “there’s something wrong with me!!” or “I’m destined to be single forever!” Not true! Usually, the culprit is... a Faulty Partner Picker! In other words, there may have been a “bug” in the “program” you used to make your partnership choices.

... We are no longer constrained by the social norms our parents and grandparents grew up with. We are free to make our own choices and create new definitions for what it means to be in a loving partnership, yet many of us are not prepared for this new relationship world. If we only know the old ways of doing things, it’s hard to see new options. When old patterns remain in our conscious and unconscious thinking, our Partner Picker “programming” will probably interfere with the great relationships we want to create.

...For example, a woman who does well in business might believe that men are not attracted to powerful women. She says to herself, “men are intimidated by me”, when actually she may be afraid of giving up control or losing her identity in a relationship. She is probably not aware of this fear, yet it is part of her partner picking program. If she dates at all, she will likely choose a man with low self-esteem who either gives in to her or fights her for control. Because it’s not a partnership of equals, it usually doesn’t last.

...Many times all that is needed for success in relationship is a shift in perspective. In the situation described above, it is important for this woman to know that there is a difference in being powerful versus overpowering. Power is an expression of the connection to one’s authentic inner self, overpowering is a need for control. There are many men who are attracted to a woman’s power, who would like for their partner to be strong.
Few want to be overpowered.

...It is also important for this woman to remember that there is a difference between feminine power and masculine power, and that as a woman she will increase her chances of being successful in love by bringing her feminine side to the relationship. Professional life tends to bring out a more masculine energy in women that can interfere with the development of a strong love foundation, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Allowing herself to be wooed, receive the gifts offered by her suitor, and dance the dance of courtship will provide much more fertile ground for love.

...From the male viewpoint, there are also Partner Pickers gone awry. Some men hold on to a false sense of strength by choosing women who want to be rescued. These men mistake being needed for being loved. Ultimately their women resent them for it; they get tired of being the damsel in distress. So these women either grow up and decide that they don’t need or respect their lover anymore, or they never grow up and live in on-going resentment of the constant reminder of their supposed helplessness. Again, these relationships don’t work out, not because the men are not wonderful but because they have chosen the wrong reason for love.

... A shift in perspective is helpful here as well. Most women love being supported by men. Healthy women ready for real relatedness need Heroes, too. And there is a difference between rescuing and supporting. Believe it or not, when men support their women in being powerful, authentic and successful, they become more empowered and successful themselves. Rescuing actually disempowers both people and is not fodder for the long, wonderful joy-filled partnership we all want to create.

...As a final example, there are those who say, “but I’m not even dating!” It may be hard to believe, but that, too, is a choice and it is the Faulty Partner Picker that keeps it that way. Our inner thoughts, feelings and beliefs about the opposite sex, relationships, and our ability to love and be loved will stop potential lovers from showing up in our lives. The relationship fails because there is not an invitation for it to get started. The perspective change needed here is related to the underlying belief systems that set this situation up in the first place.

... So what to do? How does one win the dating game? Successful relationships in today’s world require an inner awareness and a willingness to grow. You have to know yourself well enough to know what’s behind your choices, thoughts, feelings, beliefs. Only then can you make new choices and create new possibilities for love. It is entirely possible to reprogram the Partner Picker and it is entirely possible to have a wonderful, long-lasting love relationship. Finding your soul mate just takes a little soul-searching.

Patty Binns Farinola is a professionally trained instructor and relationship coach specializing in empowering men and women to create successful, fulfilling relationships. 770-730-9896 or patty@pfcoaching.com.