The Vibration of Love

By Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol

One of the deepest and most common human fears is the fear of not being loved. Our language encourages us to think of love as a substance, something that can be given, something that can be received, something that can be taken away. In reality, love is not an object. Love is not diminished by its expenditure, but like well-invested capital, the more we use it, the more it grows. If we understood that love is a frequency, a vibration, a state of consciousness, which can be summoned at will and is totally inexhaustible, our fears of losing love would lose their power over us.

Love is like a radio station, broadcasting twenty-four hours a day. You can always tune in to the love channel. Like a radio broadcast, love is available to an unlimited number of listeners. All that's required is that you find its signal on the dial of your built-in receiver.

Sounds simple, doesn't it? And it is, unless your dial is mislabeled or your antenna has been retracted. If you have grown up confusing love with attachment, dependency, sexual attraction, romantic illusion, lust, infatuation, or obligation, you may be tuning to the wrong station. You keep hoping for some really upbeat, feel good music and instead you're getting an all news station. Or you may have difficulty getting a clear signal. One minute it's sounding great and the next all you have is static.

One of my clients, a woman in her fifties with five grown children, mistakenly believed that “if you love someone, you're supposed to take care of them.” After mothering five children, it seemed natural to Sally to take care of her new boyfriend, Jeff. For several years she offered financial and emotional support, cooked for him, shopped for him, and expected nothing in return except his “love.” Jeff was very emotionally expressive and communicative. He complimented Sally often and bought her presents. He shared his feelings and was always available to listen when she'd had a hard day. Like her children, Jeff came to rely upon Sally to meet his basic needs. For the first time in her life, Sally felt loved by a man. And she craved this so much she ignored the imbalance she knew existed between them.

When Jeff became dependent on her support and she became attached to his company, Sally called it love. Jeff began to feel obligated and resentful. When he left her for a woman who didn't care take and “made him feel like a man” she was heart broken. “I was under his spell for a long time,” she lamented. But we could also say that rather than being his victim, she was an unconscious participant in the cultural trance that mystifies attachment and dependency by calling them love.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a baby who is old enough to focus its gaze and young enough to be innocent of separation, judgment, and blame? This is the vibration of love. There are no words to be exchanged, nothing required other than the willingness to be there and feel what's present. A sudden movement, sound, or bright light may distract the baby's attention away from you, but it doesn't matter. Once you've tuned to this frequency you can take it with you.

Recently I attended a gathering with spiritual teacher Isaac Shapiro. A tall thin woman in her mid-forties raised her hand and began to speak about the struggles she was having in relationship and her fear of being abandoned and alone. As she poured out her heart, she suddenly turned toward me and said, “I'm sure Deborah never feels unloved.”

I was embarrassed. I was sitting there remembering the many times I have felt unloved, even when I knew better. In fact, at that very moment, I was overcome with sadness about a recent separation from a man I loved very much.

It's a tricky business, knowing that feeling unloved is a state of mind. As soon as you come back into resonance with the frequency of love, you realize love is still there and always will be. But telling yourself that feeling unloved is an illusion does no good at all! You have to make the internal shift. You have to experience it. The words mean nothing without the direct experience.

You may still feel grief and wish for a different outcome. You may still long to be with your beloved. These feelings of disappointment and resistance are easily blended with the idea of losing love. Grief and disappointment can be painful, but this pain is small compared to the suffering you create for yourself by imagining that love is gone. At the same time, it just makes things worse to compare yourself to others whom you think are more evolved or to criticize yourself for feeling unloved. Instead of being hard on yourself, see if you can accept yourself unconditionally. It works much better to tune into the vibration of love and meet these lapses of consciousness with the endless compassion and patience which flows from love.

Deborah Taj Anapol, Ph.D. has been working with groups and individuals exploring love, Tantra, and conscious relationship for over two decades. She is based in San Rafael, CA and teaches worldwide. She will be offering a weekend seminar in the Atlanta area March 11-13. For more information email info@lovewithoutlimits.com or phone 415/507-1739.