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Romance

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However, without proper skills to deal with such soulful conflicts, couples can become “frozen” in this stage of their relationship. Couples often show up in counseling during this conflicted and painful crucible as if wearing a crown of thorns, thinking their relationship is doomed. Each is plagued with doubt, blaming, and what seem like irreconcilable differences. A common complaint at this stage is, “if only my partner would just change his/her______ then I would be happy.” And a prayer is given up, “let this cup pass from me!”  For it is in our nature, at least initially, to resist our soul's work! But passionate relationships cannot be entered into without first finding the courage to “drink from this cup” and do the soulful self-discovery upon which a truly passionate relationship is built.

As a counselor, I revel when couples come to me in this conflicted stage, wearing their crown of thorns. For this is when their journey to spiritual resurrection, wholeness, self-discovery, and passionate living and love can now begin! At the same time, I recognize and respect that this type of relationship is not for everybody – not everyone wants a passionate relationship or is prepared to make such painful efforts. Passionate relationship is not a byproduct of “relationships of convenience” or relationships that require “security above all else.”

Paradoxically, security is definitely a byproduct of passionate relationship! This is not the kind of security that we cling to with a white-knuckle grip or carry like the cloak of martyrdom. Indeed, it is a security that is born out of “drinking from the cup” of painful growth and separateness and finding out that it is not our partner's responsibility to make us happy. This soulful work can be difficult and counseling is often needed to help such brave couples become skillful at navigating through this complex stage of passionate relationship. Nevertheless, many courageous couples have taken the challenge and have created passionate lives and relationships!

Carole Darnell is a psychotherapist in practice in Atlanta.  Her focus is working with couples, individuals, groups, and women's issues, serving a diverse population, including all sexual orientations.