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Looking For Love in the Right Place
by Benita Esposito, M.A.

     For a long time, I thought that if I found just the right therapeutic technique or healer, or just the right mate, that I could heal the emotional pain I carried from childhood into my adult relationships. In the beginning I thought that if I did my healing process just right that the pain would go away forever. I was smart and motivated. I was used to being able to accomplish what I set my mind to, even if I had to work long hard hours. Now I know that healing is a journey, that it has many layers, and that it takes a lot longer than I originally thought.

     Year after year, the emotional pain returned and I couldn't understand why. I was putting a lot of effort into doing things right, being smart, pretty, and successful. Looking deeper, I now see that I thought that in order to be whole that most everyone needed to like me, that I needed a happy, healthy, romantic relationship and that I need to be financially successful. This driving effort lasted through my 20's, 30's and halfway through my 40's.

     While trying to do my life the right way, the following patterns showed up at various times: searching for the right relationship turned out to be relationship addiction and dramas and traumas with men. Being popular included excessive alcohol in my 20's. Trying to be pretty turned into compulsive eating, dieting, and eating unhealthy food. I was more concerned with outward appearance and fast food than discovering what my body needed for health. Being successful turned into shopping, spending money unwisely and creating nerve-racking debt. Having a successful business turned into hurrying, working compulsively and not taking time to rest, meditate, exercise and nap.

     I finally reached burn out. I had replaced the inner solace I now know with workaholism. This was all a reflection of my lost relationship with my Self. I often remember that song, “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Physically I had very little energy and I was in chronic emotional and physical pain. I had just ended a horrific relationship. I was depressed and just wanted to crawl into a cave and hibernate until I healed. But because I had gotten myself into debt creating my dream home, I could not afford to take much time off. So I had to find a way to heal while I made money.

    The pain just kept coming and would not let up. I knew my old coping behaviors would not bring me wholeness, but I had not yet found what would. I came to understand that my false self was being fully exposed so that my true Self could emerge. I spent a lot of time alone, praying to come into a pure loving relationship within my self. I turned my efforts from getting others to love me to loving myself and taking care of myself. I was breaking a dependency on anyone outside of myself to be responsible for my happiness. It was hard to let go of those old habits, beliefs and attachments. I was angry a lot. I cried daily. I was confused and could truly only take one step at a time. It was a long struggle that lasted three full years. My greatest efforts went into staying fully conscious and managing my energy. I realized how I had gone numb with my former addictions so that I didn't have to feel the depths of my inner pain. Now I was determined to stop abandoning and betraying myself like so many people had done in my life. I would be there for myself even if no one else was. That was a huge commitment and I took it seriously.

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